Attachment & Emotionally Focused Therapy
Emotionally Focused Therapy (also known as EFT) is a form of therapy that centers the emotional experience of couples (EFCT), families (EFFT), and individuals (EFIT). It has been extensively researched and validated, and makes a lasting difference in the lives of clients who experience it. EFCT helps couples identify their own intrapsychic dynamic—what is most important that is happening inside each of them. It also addresses the interpersonal dynamic between partners, focusing on the unmet needs that are driving communication breakdown and leading to fear and anger. These breakdowns happen in predictable patterns that the therapist can help the couple identify, and eventually, they can support the couple form a new pattern.
All forms of EFT are deeply informed by attachment theory. This approach to therapy is founded on the idea that we all have attachment needs we developed through earlier relationships with parents and caregivers, which evolved in our close friendships and eventual partnerships as we grew and became adults. We tend to express our need for attachment to our partners in the same way we learned to in those earlier relationships. The trouble is, this often means we aren’t expressing our needs in a way our partner can understand or knows how to emotionally receive. It’s almost like we’re speaking two different languages, or at least have two different understandings of the same words.
Consider Peter and Charles as an example. For Peter, closeness is soothing and desirable. He wants more and more of it, and he becomes anxious when he can’t access it with Charles. For Charles, closeness is nice but only in very specific limited ways before it becomes uncomfortable. When Peter starts to come too close asking for it, that will upset Charles, and he withdraws from Peter and closeness. Because this is a cycle, it only repeats from there. Charles backs away and so Peter pursues him more to get the closeness he needs, which overwhelms Charles and leads him to withdraw even further, which activates Peter so he leans in yet still closer… and on and on and on. EFT therapists call this pattern a couple’s “cycle” or “dance.”
In the example I just gave, both Peter and Charles actually desire closeness, but since Peter doesn’t know how to calm down without it and Charles doesn’t know how to feel safe when offering or receiving it, the cycle continues until one of them can’t take it any longer. It makes sense that they’re miscommunicating their needs in this situation—they are continually activating each other, which makes it very difficult to communicate well—and it’s exhausting. If this kind of dance sounds familiar to you, you can probably feel that weariness right down to your bones just thinking about it.
If you’ve read my post about the Four Styles of Attachment, you may have recognized the preoccupied and dismissive behaviors at play in Peter and Charles’ cycle. Preoccupied individuals like Peter tend value closeness to the extreme and become very distressed when denied it; dismissive individuals like Charles tend to overvalue independence and feel overly controlled when someone’s strong emotions or needs pull them into closeness they didn’t initiate. Not all preoccupied adults pursue their partners in conflict the way that Peter does, and not all dismissive adults withdraw from their partners the way Charles does; however, it is common for this dynamic to play out that way. It may seem like a hopeless trap in which these couples find themselves: how can they find their way out of this dance-to-the-death they’re locked in? The answer is, the same way that folks with insecure attachment can develop earned secure attachment. Through time, gentleness, openness, awareness of the cycle, awareness of one’s needs, practicing self-soothing and accepting soothing from others, we learn to connect in more secure ways and strengthen our communication practices.
These aren’t easy tasks, but with the support of a warm, well-trained therapist, you can navigate them and take your relationship from a source of constant conflict to a safe haven in the face of the storms of the outside world. If you and your partner(s) are trapped in a cycle that is causing you conflict, I’m here to help. Reach out using the “Connect with Christopher” link at the top of the page to learn more about your cycle and how we can work together to restructure it into a bond that meets both your needs.