The Four Styles of Attachment
We all develop different ways of relating to ourselves and the world around us. In my post What is Attachment Theory? (which I’d recommend reading first), I discussed how we form our attachment style early in life based on our interactions with our caregivers. Those interactions can lead us to believe that the world is a safe place to explore, where our needs will be addressed, resulting in secure attachment. In contrast, they can also lead to a belief that the world is too unresponsive or even frightening and can’t meet our needs, which creates insecure attachment. Let’s talk through in more detail what happens in each of those scenarios.
Secure Attachment
Ideally, children grow up in a warm, supportive family environment. Their parents are accessible and responsive most of the time. This is important: being responsive most of the time is all that is necessary. More than that is better but not required for secure attachment to develop. (Surprising research by Donald Winnicott suggested that this level of attunement is only necessary for as little as 30% of the time for secure attachment to develop—a practice which Winnicott termed “good enough parenting.” This should be encouraging for us all!) Being responsive means that the caregiver moves toward the distressed child in an emotionally attuned way when the child reaches out. This attuned response calms the child’s nervous system, which teaches the child that they can listen their needs and ask for help with them. It builds trust that the world is a safe place for the child to be in and explore. Initially, the child needs solely external soothing. Provided with enough attuned responsiveness, they are increasingly able to soothe themselves while also remaining comfortable receiving outside support. Secure attachment has formed.
Secure attachment in adults is characterized by a healthy sense of oneself and of other people. Securely attached individuals tend to view people they care about in a positive light. They trust that important people in their lives will generally listen, and willingly respond, if they ask for what they need. They have healthy self-esteem and feel competent. Because of this, they can be flexible when their friends and partners can’t meet their needs. They don’t fear closeness but they also are comfortable with their independence—they feel ok being alone. Securely attached individuals internalize their friends’ and partners’ love for them and can remember and trust it even when they’re separated from them physically or emotionally. Because of this, they can navigate conflict successfully.
The Three Forms of Insecure Attachment
Trouble starts when parents (for any number of reasons) are inconsistently reassuring, inaccessible, unresponsive, or even threatening and dangerous. When children don’t have safe havens to return to during their explorations of the world, they are unable to gradually learn how to soothe themselves. They stop trusting both their own ability to engage and others’ intentions. They develop a belief that the world is an unsafe place and that people can’t be trusted to care for them or their needs. This all leads to the formation of insecure attachment. Children generally respond to their parents’ misattunement to their attachment needs by either hyperactivating (turning up) or deactivating (turning down). Which of these responses takes place depends mostly on whether or not the child perceives there is any possibility of attuning with the parent eventually. There are three main styles of insecure attachment that develop based on these perceptions. In children, they are referred to avoidant, anxious, and disorganized; in adults, they are known as dismissive, preoccupied, and fearful-avoidant, respectively.
Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment
If a scared child is routinely unable to get closeness with a caregiver (perhaps because the caregiver is unavailable or responds in a misattuned, but not threatening, way), the child usually deactivates their attachment system. They lose hope that their attachment needs will be met. They internalize the message that they can rely only on themselves and that they must suppress their attachment-based longing for care—not because they don’t still want care but because they don’t believe they can get it. This child generally develops an avoidant style of attachment, which is commonly referred to as dismissive attachment in adults.
Adults with a dismissive attachment style tend to keep people at a distance. They often pride themselves on being self-sufficient and experience others as needy or dependent. Since they survived as children by deactivating their attachment needs and making do with minimal reassurance, they usually find the vulnerability associated with asking for support difficult. After all, what good did being vulnerable do for them when they were younger? In relationships, they may find it challenging to reflect on their own experience and recognize/respond to the signals from their partners, as they tend to “shut down” without even realizing it. It is usually very hard for someone with a dismissive attachment style to tolerate intense emotions; they are often overwhelmed by strong emotions in themselves and others and try to distance themselves from those feelings however they can.
Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment
If a scared child is able to get closeness with a caregiver sometimes—but only inconsistently—that child may learn to hyperactivate their attachment system. An example of this would be by intensifying their cries, making them louder and harder. Sometimes this intensification results in a previously ignoring parent finally responding, and so the child learns that hyperactivation can be an (at least partially) effective strategy for getting their needs met. The child is able to maintain some hope of getting soothing, albeit inconsistently, but they remain anxious that they sometimes may not. Accordingly, this type of child typically develops an anxious style of attachment, which is usually referred to as preoccupied in adults.
Adults with a preoccupied attachment style tend to focus on their relationships intensely and continually worry about their level of closeness with their partners. They are often hypervigilant, watching their friends and partners closely for any sign that something is “wrong” in the relationship. This can seem controlling (and sometimes can be), but it stems from a desire to anticipate any problem that could potentially sever them from their partner. Adults with this attachment style usually feel like their relationships are in danger of slipping through their fingers at any moment—nothing feels constant and dependable. Because of their hyperfocus on others, these adults can lose touch with themselves and their own needs. They may become chameleons in their relationships, molding themselves into whatever shape they think will keep their friends and partners close. They struggle to believe that their partners could truly love them and need a lot of reassurance. When you consider the inconsistent soothing they received as children, this makes sense; however, it can feel to their partners like their needs are insatiable. Their lack of a sense of self can also make it hard for them to be alone with themselves.
Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
Sometimes caregivers are not just unavailable, neglectful, or inconsistent—sometime they are actually frightening or dangerous to their children. When parents are verbally or physically abusive, children are trapped in an impossible situation: they need their caregivers to take care of them and protect them from what is making them afraid, but sometimes those very same caregivers are what the child is afraid of. The parents, who are supposed to be the solution to the child’s fears, are actually a major source of them. This paradox can leave a child switching between hyperactivating and deactivating their attachment needs—having one foot on the gas pedal and one foot on the brake, so to speak. Children in this situation often develop disorganized attachment, which is referred to as fearful-avoidant attachment in adults.
Adults with a fearful-avoidant attachment style usually struggle with conflicting desires for closeness with their friends and partners and distance from them, meaning they have the impulses of both preoccupied and dismissive adults. They tend toward extremes, an all-or-nothing approach, and they can be very volatile. Their relationships with others may feature a push-pull style of interaction, where they request closeness but reject it as soon as it is offered. When we consider how their requests for closeness were met as a child—with frightening, sometimes abusive, reactions—it is reasonable that they would fear and distrust the very soothing they want and ask for. They distrust it so much that they reject it before they can receive it. This pattern of relating can make it very challenge to connect with them, though, and it may exasperate their friends and partners. The situation can be compounded by how easily adults with a fearful-avoidant attachment style are overwhelmed by their feelings, which can result in intense emotional outbursts that disrupt their ability to function and relate.
What Do the Attachment Styles Sound Like?
Adults with a secure attachment style might describe themselves as follows:
I’m comfortable being close with others—I enjoy it—but I don’t mind being alone either.
I’m dependable and I’m ok depending on other people sometimes.
I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about my partner leaving me, even when we fight.
If I’m upset, I can turn to the people who love me for support.
I know my partner’s not perfect, and that’s okay with me.
I can take ownership of my mistakes in my relationships and apologize for them.
Adults with a dismissive attachment style might say things like:
My independence matters to me a lot; I do well on my own.
I like to be close but only so close—I need plenty of space.
Sometimes I don’t know what I’m feeling or what I need. It can be hard to figure out what others need, too.
I don’t like to rely on other people.
I have trouble committing in relationships.
I hate feeling controlled.
Other people can be so sensitive sometimes. I don’t know why they have such big emotions.
When I fight with my partners, I’m the one who shuts down and doesn’t talk. Sometimes I just get up and walk away.
Adults with a preoccupied attachment style might describe themselves as follows:
I want more connection than my partner does.
I’m very attuned to others and I just “know” when something is wrong.
My partner’s going to leave me some day—I’m certain of it.
I want to be with others when I’m going through something hard. I need someone else to help me make sense of what I’m feeling.
I have trouble believing it when my partners try to reassure me or show me love and desire.
I get attached very quickly in relationships.
Being alone frightens me.
When I fight with my partners, I want to fix things right now. It feels awful to wait to talk about it. It makes me panicky if they turn away or ask for space to think before we discuss the conflict.
Adults with a fearful-avoidant attachment style might say things like:
Relationships aren’t safe.
Sometimes it seems like I get triggered out of nowhere.
I want closeness but it scares me when I get it.
When I fight with my partners, I go back and forth between shutting down and lashing out.
Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about things going catastrophically wrong with my partner. I know they’re going to hurt me even more than I can imagine.
My relationship is going to end badly, even if things are going ok right now.
I may seem fine when you look at me, but my world is completely upside down on the inside.
Some important considerations
It’s important to note that even though attachment styles develop as a result of the interactions between parents and children, factors out of parents’ control can significantly disrupt attachment formation. Physical and mental illness of caretakers, death of a caregiver, lack of or unstable housing, poverty, war—all of these and more can contribute to the development of insecure attachment. Attachment theory is sometimes used as a way to demonize parents, but this is a misuse of the theory. Consider it to be less about blame and more about understanding the “why” behind many of our adult behaviors. Consider as well that many parents of insecurely attached children are themselves insecurely attached, which can explain a lot about the ways they relate to their children.
It is also important to understand that attachment styles are not set in stone. They were learned, and like any learned behavior, they can be unlearned and restructured. On a similar note, attachment styles should not be considered identities that define the entirety of us (or our partners!) Knowing our style of relating can be helpful in understanding our tendencies and the reasons behind them; it should not be the basis upon which we live our lives or judge others. We should also remember that attachment styles can be fluid based on situations. We may display different styles of attachment in different relationships based on the other person’s style. For example, a more preoccupied partner might inspire more dismissive tendencies in us, whereas a securely attached friend might help bring out our own more secure parts.
So… What Next?
Understanding the four styles of attachment is only the beginning. Developing more secure attachment strategies as an adult is entirely achievable and even has a name: earned secure attachment. If you or your partner(s) are experiencing insecure attachment and it is causing distress in your relationship, reach out to me. I’d be happy to work together to help you relate more securely to yourself and those you care about.
Credit to the truly amazing therapist Jessica Fern and her book Polysecure for inspiring for this post and my preceding post about attachment. My explanations in both posts are deeply informed by her work. You can find out more about Jessica Fern and get a copy of Polysecure at her website.