Building (and Rebuilding) Trust
The vital importance of trust in any kind of relationship can’t be overestimated. It builds over time, through repeated evidence that a friend or partner is worthy of it. But like anything precious, it can be diminished over time—through undependability, confidences not kept, and more. Infidelity can shatter trust in ways that seem irreparable. And the truth is that sometimes, the broken vase can’t be put back together. Sometimes trust can’t be repaired. But: beautifully, incredibly, surprisingly, often it can—and researcher Brené Brown has developed a pretty phenomenal formula for doing this. Brown’s BRAVING acronym contains the foundational elements of trust and is an excellent tool for building or rebuilding trust. Let’s walk through the seven components of trust that Brown identified:
B - Boundaries: This element of trust is all about setting and accepting limits. When I say “no”, you accept and respect it; when you say “no”, I do the same. Anyone who has raised or worked with children knows—boundaries create safety. This rule holds just as true for adults as well. If I can consistently see that you will set your boundaries when you need to and that you’ll respect mine when I need to in turn, trust can begin to develop.
R - Reliability: This element is about follow-through and not overpromising. You mean what you say and you do what you say you will, again and again. Promising to do something you know you won’t be able to do by overcommitting or to avoid hurting someone’s feelings is a sure-fire way to fumble this element of trust-building.
A - Accountability: This element of trust is all about “owning it.” I’m going to screw up sometimes; so are you. This is not a bad thing because it gives us the opportunity to practice repair. But if we can’t take ownership of our mistakes, apologize for them unequivocably, and make amends in whatever way is appropriate, then we can’t be trusted and respected by the people in our relationships.
V - Vault: This element is all about keeping confidences. I need to know that if I tell you something private, then it’s going to stay private, and you need to know I’ll do the same in return. This element can be particularly tricky because of our inclination to gossip about others with people in our close relationships. While sometimes gratifying (and sometimes doing this actually can create temporary closeness), gossiping to each other about others’ confidences demonstrates to each of us that we aren’t trustworthy in the long run. After all, if we can’t be trusted to keep others’ private information in confidence, how can we trust each other to do the same with our own?
I - Integrity: This element of trust can be summarized as “courage over comfort,” choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. Sometimes we like to talk about values we aspire to instead of the ones we actually practice. If we can’t be trusted to actually “walk the talk” and live the way we profess to, then we can’t be trusted to have enough integrity to practice the other elements of BRAVING. If we let something out of “the vault,” for example, then we have to have the integrity to practice accountability and own it. Trust develops when we are willing to do the right thing, even when it’s the hardest thing.
N - Nonjudgment: This element requires so much vulnerability with each other, but it can also create so much safety. At its core, nonjudgment is about honoring when someone can admit “I don’t know.” In order to create a safe space for those with whom we are in relationship to share something that might make them feel stupid, we have to practice suspending judgment. Similarly, we need to be able to trust they will honor us the same way by not judging us when we acknowledge our own lack of understanding and mistakes. When we show that we accept each other, flaws and all, then trust grows exponentially.
G - Generosity: This final element of trust is about assuming positive intent—assuming the most generous view of our partners’ and friends’ actions when they have harmed us. When we adopt the mindset that these important people didn’t intend to harm us, we can remain open to the possibility of forgiving them when they stand in integrity and take accountability for the harm. This doesn’t diminish the impact of the harm, and amends may be necessary, but when we assume that our trusted others aren’t being malicious, then we can start to entertain the possibility that repair might be possible.
Trust is built through living these seven principles, and wonderfully, trust can often be rebuilt by practicing them when it has been reduced or broken. If you would like to work on building trusting relationships in your life, reach out to me using the “Connect with Christopher” button above or give me a call at the number at the bottom of this page. I’m looking forward to building trust with you: with each other and in all your loving relationships.
If you’d like to learn more about BRAVING, you can listen to Brené Brown’s full talk on the Anatomy of Trust here.